I arrive back at West Ridge in February.... and just got out on June 10th. Those 5 months were LITERALLY extremely painful for me. Not at all physically, besides my med changes, but emotionally. I thought that all the hurt and pain and anger I had already gone through was exactly that, already over and dealt with. But it wasn't. I found myself once again very lost and confused on my future and where it exactly what tomorrow was going to look like. I honestly had no idea. I wasn't getting any answers to things that I thought I needed to know at the time. I was so scared because I had once again led myself down an uncertain and unhealthy path that left me so confused and hurt. I was kicked out of my foster home. The one home that I truly felt I was making very little, but progress in, in the sense of becoming part of a family. I don't say this for sympathy, I say it because at one point in time I really felt that. I felt safe and I felt loved which were the only things I thought I needed to survive. But when it was right there in front of me, it scared me to DEATH to reach out and grab it. And because I let fear overrun me and become in a sense a disease, I couldn't live my life without making sure that I was afraid; to stay afraid meant to stay comfortable.
But that was in February and we are now a few days away from July. Since then, I once again went through the journey of finding Hanna again and being okay with her and who she is and what she has to offer to the world. I graduated high school for crying out loud! Who even does that? Your probably thinking uh normal teenagers... And that's exactly right! I am finally living my 'normal life'. Even though we can clearly all testify that their is no true definition of normal. What I mean by normal is that I wear jean shorts, I wear a bikini because I am FINALLY okay with my body and my beautiful stretch marks and scars because they tell unspeakable stories of my past and struggles with overcoming bulimia and cutting; ( And because my skin is SO white it needed some Vitamin D) My hair has three different (moderate) colors in them, I wear bobby pins and sleep in! I don't wear liquid foundation because I look amazing! I can open the fridge and get a snack whenever I want without having to ask permission. I can tell people that I am going to college and that I am going to have a future because I am making it right now. I get to paint my nails when I want whatever color I want. These are all petty little things to most people, but they are things that I have learned to be nothing but grateful for because I can say that I have earned the privilege to do all these things and so much more. I feel like probably I've already gone over a bunch of things that I'm grateful for, for but it means that much more to me when I can openly recognize them and that they really do matter.
I played soccer for my final year of high school sports. I think that this was my best year but West Ridge's worse. It was good for me because A. I was captain and it just is an Automatic plus and B. I was 30 pounds lighter so I could move SO much faster and had extreme ball control. Many personal victories this season. I went to girls camp and had a blast, stuffed 31 cheese balls in my mouth and made a new friend. People say that I make friends easy, and perhaps I do, but it takes a lot for me to make a friend like Kenzie as fast as I did. We hang out ALL the time and go to the pool which is all my summer consists of.. and some occasional weeding. I'm extremely close to my sister Kindal again. A day doesn't go by without me sending her a message.
Probably your wondering well, if she's not at West Ridge... and Not back home in California... Than where is she? Answers easy. I'm living with April. If you know me than your next thought would be oh, that's right... But if you don't you may be a little lost. April is my old YW's leader. She is one of those people that I got close to really fast. I hung out with her all the time when I was living with my former foster family. And when I was back into the RTC, she was the one that would come out and see me and bring me candy... another one of this little big things to me :) And we made it work for me to live with her. Its been amazing. This is the part where everything up till now has made it be worth it to go through what was gone through.
I guess you could say that I am a notably happy person. I don't really have a reason not to be... Okay I won't take it that far, But I have reason for the most part ;)
