Taking Lemons & Making Lemonade

My last post was in June. Too Long. Since that post I lived in Provo for a week, West Ridge a few days, & Cedar City for a week & then made my way back up to Murray where I now live with my best friend in our apartment. It feels like the whole year has been crammed into those few months of June til now. Along with the change of seasons I feel that I have gone through my own changes as well.
           At the beginning of July I was picked up by a friend because I needed a place to stay. It had started pouring rain & she couldn't drive out here herself so she told me she was going to bring a friend. I didn't even care. I just wanted to hurry up & be gone. I knew I had made a big mistake & that it was time to get out before things got to much worse & my life would be jeopardized. She showed up & I started crying & this boy came in to help me with my bags & i really didn't notice him except for he was so nice, & helpful. We get in the car & leave for Provo. It was like the minute we left, him and I clicked. Everything we said we couldn't stop laughing at each other & we didn't have to explain things because it was like we already understood what the other one was saying. We went to Texas Road House & had a blast. I felt like I had known Robin forever. He instantly brought  out the best in me. You have to realize though, that this was HUGE for me to feel this way about him. I had no feelings for him beyond a friend. Yes he is Polynesian, but he just wasn't my type. He was too genuine, which to me at the time just seemed unreal. I was done with the whole toot it & boot it.  I saw the road it had taken me on & the damage it had done to the ones close to me, so I was just exhausted with the whole guy thing. 
             When we got back to my friends house she had to go & talk to her parents so me & Robin just sat there & talked. I couldn't stop laughing because I just thought he was the funniest person ever. We exchanged stories about our lives. He told me about his grandma who lived with him & she would always swear at him & his siblings in Tongan. Or how she would tell come into his room to have him warm up milk for her. I loved hearing about his family. It amazed me how much love you could feel from him when he would talk about them. I opened up allot to him & completely spilled the beans on my life, and he just sat there and listened. Which was all I needed, someone to listen.  
             Whenever we hung out in that week it just always made my day. I didn't know why, but it did. And because I was happy I really didn't question it. We did a lot of crazy things in that week that I spent with them. We spent the night on a lawn, some random guys house where I lost my pillow pet :( that was sad. We went 7/11 hopping because it was 7/11 so we got free slurpies & we started that at like 2 in the morning. We got all of our change and made a Del Taco run for a butt load of Tacos. We tried having a seance in the middle of the cul-de-sac, but that didn't well because we got distracted by kids on Vespas. We spent the night at a DJ's house & got eaten alive by mosquito's, or the time we went to McDonalds and we all looked so homeless & I didn't wear my shoes to prove a point that they would still give me service. They did. 
              I remember when I had to go back to West Ridge, I just kept thinking about what he was doing , & if he was thinking  about me. I just couldn't get it out of my head how much fun we had together & how instantly we clicked. When I went down to Cedar City to the Shelter, I would call him every morning at 8, and wake him up so he would talk to me. We could talk forever. I missed him a lot. 

            I used to think that people were lying when they said that people really can change your life. And I really know its true now. Without Jazz & Robin I do not know where I would be. They balance me out in ways that really can get under my skin, but they do it because they care. I am so happy with what I have going for me in life. I have the two most amazing best friends, one who I am dating, and  the other I love like a sister. I know that they will always be there for me, & that I can always count on them. I am truly blessed.

Now this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning

I arrive back at West Ridge in February.... and just got out on June 10th. Those 5 months were LITERALLY extremely painful for me. Not at all physically, besides my med changes, but emotionally. I thought that all the hurt and pain and anger I had already gone through was exactly that, already over and dealt with. But it wasn't. I found myself once again very lost and confused on my future and where it exactly what tomorrow was going to look like. I honestly had no idea. I wasn't getting any answers to things that I thought I needed to know at the time. I was so scared because I had once again led myself down an uncertain and unhealthy path that left me so confused and hurt. I was kicked out of my foster home. The one home that I truly felt I was making very little, but progress in, in the sense of becoming part of a family. I don't say this for sympathy, I say it because at one point in time I really felt that. I felt safe and I felt loved which were the only things I thought I needed to survive. But when it was right there in front of me, it scared me to DEATH to reach out and grab it. And because I let fear overrun me and become in a sense a disease, I couldn't live my life without making sure that I was afraid; to stay afraid meant to stay comfortable.
                But that was in February and we are now a few days away from July.  Since then, I once again went through the journey of finding Hanna again and being okay with her and who she is and what she has to offer to the world. I graduated high school for crying out loud! Who even does that? Your probably thinking uh normal teenagers... And that's exactly right! I am finally living my 'normal life'. Even though we can clearly all testify that their is no true definition of normal. What  I mean by normal is that I wear jean shorts, I wear a bikini because I am FINALLY okay with my body and my beautiful stretch marks and scars because they tell unspeakable stories of my past and struggles with overcoming bulimia and cutting; ( And because my skin is SO white it needed some Vitamin D) My hair has three different (moderate) colors in them,  I wear bobby pins and sleep in! I don't wear liquid foundation because I look amazing! I can open the fridge and get a snack whenever I want without having to ask permission. I can tell people that I am going to college and that I am going to have a future because I am making it right now. I get to paint my nails when I want whatever color I want. These are all petty little things to most people, but they are things that I have learned to be nothing but grateful for because I can say that I have earned the privilege to do all these things and so much more.  I feel like probably I've already gone over a bunch of things that I'm grateful for, for but it means that much more to me when I can openly recognize them and that they really do matter.
                I played soccer for my final year of high school sports. I think that this was my best year but West Ridge's worse. It was good for me because A. I was captain and it just is an Automatic plus and B. I was 30 pounds lighter so I could move SO much faster and had extreme ball control. Many personal victories this season.  I went to girls camp and had a blast, stuffed 31 cheese balls in my mouth and made a new friend. People say that I make friends easy, and perhaps I do, but it takes a lot for me to make a friend like Kenzie as fast as I did. We hang out ALL the time and go to the pool which is all my summer consists of.. and some occasional weeding. I'm extremely close to my sister Kindal again. A day doesn't go by without me sending her a message.
            Probably your wondering well, if she's not at West Ridge... and Not back home in California... Than where is she? Answers easy. I'm living with April. If you know me than your next thought would be oh, that's right... But if you don't you may be a little lost. April is my old YW's leader. She is one of those people that I got close to really fast. I hung out with her all the time when I was living with my former foster family. And when I was back into the RTC, she was the one that would come out and see me and bring me candy... another one of this little big things to me :) And we made it work for me to live with her. Its been amazing. This is the part where everything up till now has made it be worth it to go through what was gone through.
           I guess you could say that I am a notably happy person. I don't really have a reason not to be... Okay I won't take it that far, But I have reason for the most part ;)

So, I am 18 in six months and I am almost finished with Drivers Ed. I still can't get my license for about another 4 months, but the good thing is that after I have it for three months, I will be 18 and then I can drive with who ever I want to!! I know its not really that big of a deal, but I think its pretty exciting. I had my 2nd to last day of Range today and for the most part I think I am pretty good, except on the Crazy 8 Drill, I still can't seem to go the whole way backwards, but the way I see it is that I can fail one drill so that's probably going to be the one I fail since I drive in circles in the little circle that is completely off limits. Personally I think I must be pretty skilled to have been able to maneuver into that space....
       Every day this week that I have driven range, its like the course has changed because each of my passengers have told me totally different ways to do things and I have to listen to them if I want to get a good grade from them, so tomorrow when I take my range test, things may be a little bit interesting. I just have to remember to take it nice and slow, very, very, slow. I started out literally on the first day didn't hit any cones, 2nd day hit one but it came back up, and then today I hit about 3 cones and 1 fell all the way over. But its all good because practice makes perfect  :-)

LETTING GO,

            
   There really does come a time in life, when you probably should let go of all the things that seem so negative in your life and when that happens you feel like such a moron because everyone was right and you were wrong. But that's not everyone's situation. Sometimes you let go of things that people had no idea you were involved with and then its only you and your integrity.

                 I remember when I was little and letting go was the hardest thing for me, like when my mom would throw away my baby doll that I had for years but she was so gross and dirty, or when I was 10 and it was time to go through my clothes and get rid of the ones that didn't fit and I would get so mad at my mom even though half my clothes were really short on me. Or when it came to switch teachers in school and I was so scared to get the mean ones that make you clean your desk every day.

                But now, to let go, its to move on and leave behind the past that you knew for so long, the people that loved you, and the people you thought you might have loved, the pain, the laughter, the tears, the good times that never can be replaced, and move on to something greater that at the time, you see nothing that can replace what you used to have.

              I hate letting go. Always have. Anytime I have to or need to, I feel a sense of betrayal and the thought that what if I never am happy again? Its just one of my trials, maybe my biggest one, because I latch on to anyone and anything so quickly as long as I feel safe. But sometimes those  'safe people' or 'objects', turn out to be the ones that hurt me the most. And when I figure that out, and notice it, that's when letting go just doesn't seem that hard anymore. And once that happens, I am finally in control of my life again.

THIS REALLY IS ALL YOU HAVE...

These past few months have gone by in such a blur and seem to not really matter now that the future is the present day. I would like to say that they were so hard to get through and blah, blah, blah, but in the moment they really were such a struggle. Now I look back and think, ehh its whatever, its experience and it didn't kill me.  The past few days have really gotten me to start thinking about my immediate future, I mean aren't we always thinking about that? But its really been weighing heavily on my mind. Mostly college and how I am going to stay happy. Life really is SO scary. It scares me thinking that I am going to be on my own yet, I have been waiting for it for so long. It scares me that once again I will be moving on and leaving behind people that I have formed a strong bond with. It scares me that I don't know if I have my parents blessing on my future. It scares me that I have everything completely planned out in my head, but then when you ask me what I want in life, I'm speechless. I guess I get scared easily.

        I have been thinking about switching high schools from a public school back to my old treatment center. To most people they would probably wonder what the big deal is, but to me its everything. Not just my education but my moral safety. I have been battling the idea and I talked to one of my friends and mentioned that I might transfer schools and he was kidding when he said this but he was like 'Oh come on Hanna just stick it out, this is all we get, this is it, our SENIOR YEAR!' I shrugged off the comment til that night and then took a mental inventory on my past up til now. I realized that this is it. This is my only life, my only body, this is the last Wednesday of January 19th, 2011 that I get. And what do I want to do? Take the easy way out where I am comfortable and know that I will be able to change again, but the thing that I had to realize last night, was that wherever I am, I will change, either I will move forward or backward. My life is going to be in that moment and that moment only, and I have to accept that because it's not changing anytime soon.
      Alright, now lets move on to something more uplifting and more hanna... so on Tuesday I wore a dress and tights and looked so CUTE and stuff but I couldn't wait until I got home and put on my sweats, I don't know there is something about my sweats that just make me so comfortable. I'm okay with doing my make up not so much my hair though and throw on some sweats and socks over them and I am so happy. That's definetly where my happy place is. Alright, well Im way tired and feel a cold sore coming on, so this is a wrap people :) Night Nightness

ReCap

lets see... it really has been a really long time since i posted last. I don't have a good excuse either besides pure laziness. But i haven't just sat around and done nothing the last i don't even know how many months. Here's a little recap:
in June i graduated from West Ridge Academy. After 33 months of treatment i never thought i would see the day but it came. Graduating was more than just getting the Diploma stating all these big words that aparently applied to me, it was more than the coin with the Armor of God on it, it was more than having a whole day dedicated to me and all the progress and change I have made; it was literally the day that I met my destination after years of fighting and started on a new one.
July: nothing rally that cool happened in July i don't think, probably something did but i don't remember. oh wait i remember, i busted my left foot jumping off the diving board with a boy!! i was on crutches and it looked like i had elepghantitis or something like that, and the doctor said it was just a 'contusion'. ya it was more like i broke the top of my foot.
August: I had a busy month, i went camping with my sister and her family up in Idaho. I went for a whole week but something that April didnt tell me til right before we left was that it was a 9 hour drive! but it was fun. We drove 6 or 7 hours and spent the night in Boise where i set up my one man tent in the front yard of some strangers house :) ok he wasn't a stranger it was aprils brother. Anyways the week went on and it was a BLAST! i went their brown and came back BLACk almst.....
I had m 2nd year of girls camp but i had to go up on tuesday because i had court on monday. Girls camp was amazing i really didnt do much but just have a lot of fun and more fun. OHHH but we did have to hike a butt load to this lake that we couldnt even swim in.... but it was still fun becuase i took tons of pictures of myself and april tried to herself... but she just doesnt have that magic touch like i do i guess.
My birthday was on the 21st and i turned 17! i had my very first birthday party and i got a can of BEANS!! well and a bunch other stuff. We had costco cupcakes and lots of food and salsa and then we went swimming. It was an awesome night.
School started the 25th. I started my senior year and was way excited to dress up every day and REpreSEnt but then i figured out that high school isnt all that cool to dress up for so now im back to my sweats and sweat shirt routine and occassionally a messy bun.
September: hmmmm... i don't really know what happened in september either, probably some drama and stress about school but once again i guess it wasnt that big of a deal.
October: i went on my first actual good date and high school dance. Thats right i went to sadies with AaRON MARTIN!!! it was amazing! My best friend Alexa came and my other friend ryan and all of us and our dates went lazer tagging and an arcade and then the dance. It was pretty mucha party all night. .....lets see what else, oh i got my permit finally after two trys! im basically a pro becasue i drove on the freeway (thanks to april) the first day i got it which also was the day that i got my first massage at a spa. Kinda akward at first because the towels were WAY to small for my curvacious body and then the robes were all weird and nice, but they had free snacks and apple cider so that was good. And then the massage was amazing!!! That was overall a great night. One of the many actually. i signed up for the ACT and am starting to take college seriously.. well at least the thought of college seriously.
November: well its november and thanksgiving is really soon obviously. The weather is getting warmer.. i mean colder which is good because it means hot chocolatte and snowboarding.
So as you see i have been SUPER busy to the point that i didnt have the chance to blog.
Life really is moving so fast at me. Its so weird that in june i am graduating from high school when this is my first year in public school. I know that i have missed out on alot of my life but this is chance for me to pick it up. Which i am. Im bored and my phone went off like 7 times so i guesss its time to end.

“A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.”