These past few months have gone by in such a blur and seem to not really matter now that the future is the present day. I would like to say that they were so hard to get through and blah, blah, blah, but in the moment they really were such a struggle. Now I look back and think, ehh its whatever, its experience and it didn't kill me. The past few days have really gotten me to start thinking about my immediate future, I mean aren't we always thinking about that? But its really been weighing heavily on my mind. Mostly college and how I am going to stay happy. Life really is SO scary. It scares me thinking that I am going to be on my own yet, I have been waiting for it for so long. It scares me that once again I will be moving on and leaving behind people that I have formed a strong bond with. It scares me that I don't know if I have my parents blessing on my future. It scares me that I have everything completely planned out in my head, but then when you ask me what I want in life, I'm speechless. I guess I get scared easily.
I have been thinking about switching high schools from a public school back to my old treatment center. To most people they would probably wonder what the big deal is, but to me its everything. Not just my education but my moral safety. I have been battling the idea and I talked to one of my friends and mentioned that I might transfer schools and he was kidding when he said this but he was like 'Oh come on Hanna just stick it out, this is all we get, this is it, our SENIOR YEAR!' I shrugged off the comment til that night and then took a mental inventory on my past up til now. I realized that this is it. This is my only life, my only body, this is the last Wednesday of January 19th, 2011 that I get. And what do I want to do? Take the easy way out where I am comfortable and know that I will be able to change again, but the thing that I had to realize last night, was that wherever I am, I will change, either I will move forward or backward. My life is going to be in that moment and that moment only, and I have to accept that because it's not changing anytime soon.
Alright, now lets move on to something more uplifting and more hanna... so on Tuesday I wore a dress and tights and looked so CUTE and stuff but I couldn't wait until I got home and put on my sweats, I don't know there is something about my sweats that just make me so comfortable. I'm okay with doing my make up not so much my hair though and throw on some sweats and socks over them and I am so happy. That's definetly where my happy place is. Alright, well Im way tired and feel a cold sore coming on, so this is a wrap people :) Night Nightness
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