So, I am 18 in six months and I am almost finished with Drivers Ed. I still can't get my license for about another 4 months, but the good thing is that after I have it for three months, I will be 18 and then I can drive with who ever I want to!! I know its not really that big of a deal, but I think its pretty exciting. I had my 2nd to last day of Range today and for the most part I think I am pretty good, except on the Crazy 8 Drill, I still can't seem to go the whole way backwards, but the way I see it is that I can fail one drill so that's probably going to be the one I fail since I drive in circles in the little circle that is completely off limits. Personally I think I must be pretty skilled to have been able to maneuver into that space....
       Every day this week that I have driven range, its like the course has changed because each of my passengers have told me totally different ways to do things and I have to listen to them if I want to get a good grade from them, so tomorrow when I take my range test, things may be a little bit interesting. I just have to remember to take it nice and slow, very, very, slow. I started out literally on the first day didn't hit any cones, 2nd day hit one but it came back up, and then today I hit about 3 cones and 1 fell all the way over. But its all good because practice makes perfect  :-)

LETTING GO,

            
   There really does come a time in life, when you probably should let go of all the things that seem so negative in your life and when that happens you feel like such a moron because everyone was right and you were wrong. But that's not everyone's situation. Sometimes you let go of things that people had no idea you were involved with and then its only you and your integrity.

                 I remember when I was little and letting go was the hardest thing for me, like when my mom would throw away my baby doll that I had for years but she was so gross and dirty, or when I was 10 and it was time to go through my clothes and get rid of the ones that didn't fit and I would get so mad at my mom even though half my clothes were really short on me. Or when it came to switch teachers in school and I was so scared to get the mean ones that make you clean your desk every day.

                But now, to let go, its to move on and leave behind the past that you knew for so long, the people that loved you, and the people you thought you might have loved, the pain, the laughter, the tears, the good times that never can be replaced, and move on to something greater that at the time, you see nothing that can replace what you used to have.

              I hate letting go. Always have. Anytime I have to or need to, I feel a sense of betrayal and the thought that what if I never am happy again? Its just one of my trials, maybe my biggest one, because I latch on to anyone and anything so quickly as long as I feel safe. But sometimes those  'safe people' or 'objects', turn out to be the ones that hurt me the most. And when I figure that out, and notice it, that's when letting go just doesn't seem that hard anymore. And once that happens, I am finally in control of my life again.

THIS REALLY IS ALL YOU HAVE...

These past few months have gone by in such a blur and seem to not really matter now that the future is the present day. I would like to say that they were so hard to get through and blah, blah, blah, but in the moment they really were such a struggle. Now I look back and think, ehh its whatever, its experience and it didn't kill me.  The past few days have really gotten me to start thinking about my immediate future, I mean aren't we always thinking about that? But its really been weighing heavily on my mind. Mostly college and how I am going to stay happy. Life really is SO scary. It scares me thinking that I am going to be on my own yet, I have been waiting for it for so long. It scares me that once again I will be moving on and leaving behind people that I have formed a strong bond with. It scares me that I don't know if I have my parents blessing on my future. It scares me that I have everything completely planned out in my head, but then when you ask me what I want in life, I'm speechless. I guess I get scared easily.

        I have been thinking about switching high schools from a public school back to my old treatment center. To most people they would probably wonder what the big deal is, but to me its everything. Not just my education but my moral safety. I have been battling the idea and I talked to one of my friends and mentioned that I might transfer schools and he was kidding when he said this but he was like 'Oh come on Hanna just stick it out, this is all we get, this is it, our SENIOR YEAR!' I shrugged off the comment til that night and then took a mental inventory on my past up til now. I realized that this is it. This is my only life, my only body, this is the last Wednesday of January 19th, 2011 that I get. And what do I want to do? Take the easy way out where I am comfortable and know that I will be able to change again, but the thing that I had to realize last night, was that wherever I am, I will change, either I will move forward or backward. My life is going to be in that moment and that moment only, and I have to accept that because it's not changing anytime soon.
      Alright, now lets move on to something more uplifting and more hanna... so on Tuesday I wore a dress and tights and looked so CUTE and stuff but I couldn't wait until I got home and put on my sweats, I don't know there is something about my sweats that just make me so comfortable. I'm okay with doing my make up not so much my hair though and throw on some sweats and socks over them and I am so happy. That's definetly where my happy place is. Alright, well Im way tired and feel a cold sore coming on, so this is a wrap people :) Night Nightness